Quoth the Rapper (Parody of "The Raven")

Once upon a mid night query, while I crawled here, quite too bleary,
Over many a shot of Tequila dripping from the glasses on the kitchen floor
As I nodded, clearly napping, suddenly there came a rapping,
As of someone loudly rapping, rapping on my kitchen floor.
“’Tis some neighbor boy,” I muttered, “rapping on my kitchen floor—
Only this, and nothing more.”

Ah, distinctly, I remember, it was on this bleak October,
And each separate drink that I had wrought its ghost through the open door
Eagerly, I wished tomorrow, -- vainly, I had sought tomorrow
Just so I could rid myself of this headache that was building all the more
From my couch, I did the crawl from high until I reached the floor
Watching as the contents from my dinner gave their ghost upon the floor
Boy, my maid will be real sore

And the headache kept repeating, the constant, hard and painful beating
The one that would not let up, even as I rested my head upon the floor
So that now, to still the beating of my head, I lay, repeating,
“’Tis the neighbor kid, with rap music beneath my kitchen floor
He is playing his rap music, here beneath my kitchen floor
This it is, and nothing more.”

Eventually, my legs grew stronger, hesitating then no longer,
“Sir,” I yelled, “Or Madam, could you please take your music out the door?
I was trying to start napping, but then you came by loudly rapping
And so loudly you were rapping, rapping under my kitchen floor
There’s no way I could not hear you rapping underneath my kitchen floor
Please be gone, and play no more.”

Deep into that hallway peering, long I tried to stand there, bleary,
Hoping that my head, still pounding, would feel better all the more
But no silence I received, even after I retrieved
The broom that was lying in the hallway, banging it on the floor
Hoping to disturb the rapper underneath my kitchen floor
“Please go away, and rap no more!”

Back into the bedroom turning, all the hooch within me burning,
Soon again, I heard the rapping a whole lot louder than before
“Surely,” said I, “surely he can see my higher status!
Let me see, then, who this boy is, who raps below my kitchen floor—
Let me see if I can see this boy who raps below my kitchen floor—
Let me try a good rapport

With a mouth straight from the gutter, and in my drunken state did sputter,
In there stepped a drunken maven, or at least through half the door
“Stop that noise I do decree! This is my absolute, final plea!
Stop that noise, that music, that I most certainly abhor!”
But when I got there, nothing more.

Now I know I heard it plainly, so I went a searching, vainly
For that music that I heard distinctly through my kitchen floor
With my legs as yet unshaven, I went through this neighbor’s haven
Searching for that beat that’s pounding, pounding through my kitchen floor
“Please, no more bad rap music pounding through my kitchen floor!
That’s all I ask, nothing more!”

Through this home that I did prowl, didn’t even hear an owl
Is it possible that I imagined the music from the floor?
Some imaginary being whose music I’m not hearing
Has decided that the time was right to make me really sore
And it was then that I chose to look through an open drawer
“Nothing there, it plays no more.”

So I headed back to bed, while all these thoughts ran through my head
Like “Lonely” is so hard to rhyme, and it’s hard to write any more
How did Poe get this far? So far my version’s real bizarre
Because I’m hearing rap music through my kitchen floor
Why would I hear rap music through my kitchen floor?
Lazy writing, nothing more.

Suddenly, the silence broken, a voice on high, I heard spoken
The voice I heard was coming from outside my bedroom door
The voice outside was getting faster, like a rapping grandmaster
“Oh, no,” I thought, “It’s followed me outside my bedroom door.
Can’t you just leave me be, and grant me peace forevermore?”
Quoth the rapper, “Nevermore!”

“Can’t you see that I’m not smiling? If you don’t go, then I’ll start dialing
I’ll call the cops, we’ll see if you keep on playing some more!”
But this was all just wishful thinking, why did I ever start drinking?
From this point on, the bottle’s down, alcohol’s gone forevermore
This night has been a crazy one, the alcohol’s done forevermore
Well, one more drink, but nothing more!

The voice again, it started pressing, so I went and got the dressing
I don’t know why there was a bottle right on my bedroom floor
I held it up, and started pining for the days my star was shining
I realize that it makes no sense, but reality went out the door
I have a rapper that is playing outside my bedroom door
If that makes sense, see what’s in store!

Opened up the door, I did, then right behind it I hid
I was too scared to see the figure that was behind the door
“Sir,” I cried, “Who are ye be? Please, let me take a look and see!
But please, get your loud rap music away from my bedroom door
It makes it hard to concentrate on sleeping all the more!
That’s all I ask, and nothing more.”

“You play too loud, you are evil! Did you come here from the devil?”
I thought as I took a peek behind the widely open door
But standing there, my eyes did see, not unfamiliar to me
A rapper, by name, Kanye West, whose music I abhor
I could not believe that Kanye West was behind my open door
What did this rapper have in store?

“You, sir, are evil! Did you come here from the devil?
To torture me with this bad rap that you think is hardcore?
Please give a break to this fair maiden who grew up on Iron Maiden!”
To which Kanye West said something that would be forever lore—
“Yo, I’m really happy for you, I’ll let you finish, but Beyoncé has one of the best parodies of ‘The Raven’ of all time. One of the best parodies of all time!”